Inaugural Terrible Beard of the Week

Since this is the first beard post, I will break down the categories:

Robustness: details the ability of the grower to fill out the beard. Low robustness would have splotches, or extreme distances between each cheek hair follicle. High robustness would resemble a brillo pad, or the amount of individual hairs in the beard would number in the thousands.

Style: obvious but deep category, bonus points for originality and trim work. Natural coloration is important as negative marks will be attributed to those that feel the need to dye. Long or short trim? Braided goatees? etc… It is hard to be objective with style, but that is what we strive for.

Format: for the growers preferred choice of appearance. Full beard, stubble, goatee, fu manchu, mustache (love them, especially The Push Broom), chin straps (hate them), sideburns, porkchops, soul patch (please, no Spiezios), or any combination of these or the dozens that I have yet to list. Another factor in this category is selecting the appropriate format for your attitude, and more importantly, your facial structure. Match what grows well with the way your face looks. Too many people are trying to grow beards. That is why we have a Terrible Beard of the Week. There was a time, not so long ago, when the Bearded Man was adorned with prestige. Now it is turned into an everyman thing. There are differing philosophies involved here on the front lines: the Libertarians and the Conservationists. Lets leave it at that for now.

Random: this is the catch all for things that are too minor to justify a dedicated category. This is definitely the wild card in the equation and is the most subjective.

SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE IS THE TERRIBLE BEARD OF THE WEEK!!! (drum roll):

Jason Marquis, Starting Pitcher, Chicago Cubs. With 6 wins on the year so far, that is 6 more wins than he would get if it was a beard contest. What is the saying? That a picture is worth 1,000 words? Could you come up with 1,000 words describing how poor this mans attempted beard is? What is that huge dry spot on his right chin? What is the trim job about? The decision to go with this format is insulting. I only pray that Marquis is trying to grow out a full beard and the resulting horror is stuck in the pre-pubescent stage.

With that in mind, he gets a D minus across the board. The only redeeming point preventing a hearty F minus is that he does indeed, have to wake up and look in the mirror in the morning.

Grade: D Minus

Beard Title: Bad Decisions and Poor Trim Lines.