Terrible Beard of the Week

As much as I wanted to discuss Jason Giambi’s “Magnum P.I.”, I decided against it. Too many people have been on the mustache ride - its crowded. If he was not producing, would it be so amusing? No, it would be a talisman of evil. And Giambi would be an outcast. Instead of children gluing fake follicles to their upper lip, mothers would be carrying oversized disposable razors, pointing them to the heavens and crying for justice. When I see morning highlights discussing someone’s Format of choice, I choose to go in the other direction.

While I was scouring the interwebs looking for greatness, I came across the 1993 Expansion Team series in Colorado. The Rockies won with walk-off, prompting the television crews to interview this wild specimen.

To stop wasting time, here is our Terrible Beard of the Week!!! (drum roll):

Ryan Spilborghs, Outfield, Colorado Rockies. Look at this mess.

How can you get any respect in your profession if you show up to work with this on your face? It is worse that coming dressed as a clown. With the clown you get the uniform face coloring and some pretty cool looking shoes. I bet this guy sits in the dugout isolated from his teammates, shunned from the communal showers, and has to take public transit to the team hotel.

Ok, lets break down the beard. Structurally speaking, the beard is very robust. You can’t even see the skin in some sections. It is splotchy, though. I mean, look at the right side of the face. How can hair grow in so thick on one side, and not on the other? This baffles my mind.

Is there a style? I am giving high marks for the pure white coloration. How does that happen? Those marks are taken away, however, because of the mutant factor. He is a white version of the Beast. And you cannot reward a mutant for having a genetically manipulated advantage of the rest of the normal people.

As for the format, The Orangutan gets major points. It takes stones to choose to look like our brethren in the Hominidae Family. In this era of finely trimmed beards, often times by stylists and not the grower himself, it is refreshing to see someone give a walking history lesson. The full forehead and bridge-of-nose coverage is phenomenal.

Adding up the tally, Mr. Spilborghs receives a C. The high grade in Random helps to offshoot the negatives, and we are left with a decidedly average beard. Unfortunately, there is nothing average about this. But you cannot argue with the math. It looks like the beard gods took a left to right sweeping motion with his face, pulling upwards towards the right temple. A once-in-a-lifetime brush stroke.

Grade: C Normal

Beard Title: Peter Venkman Post Stay Puff Marshmallow Man Destruction.