All-Time All-Star Terrible Beards of the Week

Part 2 of 2. Initially, this week was scheduled to look at the more memorable facial hair follies in baseball history. Plans changed as I was having a very large internal debate on the validity of this particular post. Is there such a thing as a “bad beard” from the players in the 1970-80s? My answer is no. Going back to the first T-BoW and the discussion of beard entitlement for a moment - the truly atrocious beards have only occurred in the days of recent past. Too many people are growing beards, and the Conservationists like myself feel they are watering down the gene pool.

What is the saying? A schmuck is a schmuck is a schmuck? How can you ascertain the originality and the uniqueness of crap? There are so many terrible beards of the same quality, the search for an All-Star lineup seems futile. Basically it would be an arbitrary decision with no factual backup or structural analysis.

So instead of giving you an entire lineup of essentially the same junk, I will pull an especially terrible decision out of the archive for your viewing pleasure.

Designated (s)Hitter: David Ortiz

There is an argument out there that because Ortiz’s beard is so finely kept, it qualifies as a good beard. I find the finely tuned trim job to be the exact reason why his beard is offensive. I have serious doubts the trim job is self sustaining, and requiring the help of others is a mortal sin. I repeat: if you have someone trim your beard or side burns, then you have forfeited your legitimacy in beardism. And to top it all off, Ortiz’s beard is atrociously styled. I am not a fan of anything about this. Nothing.

Beard Title: I Pay Someone To Shave Me Daily.

So that’s it. We are accumulating a nice little queue of potential T-BoW’s - some courtesy of our colleagues over at Rockiescast - so stay tuned for the upcoming Friday features. Next week we get back to our regularly scheduled programming, thankfully leaving this My Eyes Are Bigger Than My Stomach endeavor behind. Have a good weekend.