We Can Remember It for You Wholesale

Late last night, let’s say 10:30 p.m., I found myself in a challenging and discouraging conversation about beards. It seems my dislike of finely trimmed facial hair walks the thin line of beard racism. Courtesy of Natsast fan and commenter Dblock in close conjunction with a handful of delicious stouts:

“Finely trimmed beards are what distinguishes us from the hobos. A finely trimmed beard (in the black community at least) goes hand in hand with a shape-up… do one and you must do the other. It’s ok to shave and neglect the shape-up, but never the other way around… now going back to David Ortiz, while the beard is finely trimmed and may not be “self sustaining”, further investigation would need to be conducted in regards to the state of his shape-up (nappy vs. sharp). I think you will see where I’m coming from if you compare David Ortiz and Kimbo Slice.“

Am I ignoring an entire culture by my dislike of finely trimmed beards? We need a name for this, by the way. Any suggestions? Does the beard go by its style or by the format when assigning titles? If the finely trimmed beard is in the shape of an Old Dutch, is it still an Old Dutch or a Finely Trimmed Old Dutch? Does it require the style component? I would never say “That guy riding the wagon is rocking a high-level Robust Old Dutch.” It just doesn’t fly. Why are we, as beard purveyors, placing restrictions on the nomenclature? There has to be a standardize taxonomy. Rack your brains, we must come to a conclusion.

Back to the topic at hand - the addition of a new rule to the Beard Growers Constitution - Amendment 8a states: If the grower of a beard wields a razor blade with such precision to trim perfect lines and symmetrical detail, then the negative marks associated with the format are nullified. Bonus points would then be applied for the craftsmanship.

Not only did this conversation completely eliminate my self appointed status of Beard Liason, but it created a deep rift in the space-time continuum. I spent the rest of the night going over the rules of bearddom. Without a common understanding of diversity, we are doomed to repeat history’s greatest blunder. The Terrible Beard of the Week is going into reevaluation mode, hopefully to be reconstructed from the ground up with a firm foundation - not one built on whimsical theories. Is this real? Am I real? Did I have a lobotomy? Do I need a lobotomy? I’m confused.

“You! You’re the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It’s always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I know it sounds wild. It is the latest thing in travel. We call it the Ego Trip.”

And I just had one.