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Today is a great day for Natscast. Storytime. When I opened up the Natscast inbox this morning and saw that we had an email, I thought little of it. After I opened up the email and began to read I noticed a moist burning sensation in my pants. Terrified, I looked around bobbing and weaving in order to avoid what I thought was the Diamond Ray of Disappearance. I knew my constant foiling of Skeletor’s plans would come back to haunt me eventually, and today was that day. But then my chin started to burn as well. Totally confused, I stood up and looked around the cubicles, trying to identify whom Evil Lynn had possessed. I then realized that the burning sensation was in liquid form, originating from my mouth. It seemed that while reading the following email, my jaw dropped to the floor and the coffee slowly leaked out, leaving a trail of fear in its wake.

This amazing email comes from “The Pagemaster”, who currently resides in lovely Gaithersburg, MD, in response to last week’s fan email discussing jerseys. I hope everyone has the time to read this in its entirety. He even provided the links. Perhaps a new trend is on the cusp - having our listeners/readers do our work. It is an efficient way to go about business, a la the American Way. I am just going to run it as is and I’ll catch you on the Friday edition. Enjoy.

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Well, I’ve channeled my inner Paul Lukas, and after years and years of interest in, purchases of, and research on MLB team jerseys, I’ve decided to create my own ‘Power Rankings’ for the current MLB styles.

I’m more of an apologist when it comes to jersey designs. I think there are only two jerseys in any sport that I ever completely hated when I first saw them. One being the Denver Broncos when they migrated from the ‘Orange Crush’ to the Orange Armpit Stains. The other being MLB’s own, and my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates when someone in the front office decided that introducing an all red sleeveless alternate, to go with the black undershirt and yellow trim. Hey Bob, Ketchup and Mustard works on hot dogs, not on clothing. My only thought was that this decision was made by the same people who knew of their impending termination and wanted to do all they could to screw the Pirates for another 15 years before leaving (see: Pirates trade for Matt Morris and pick up his entire 10 million dollar contract).

5-7 years ago, when I was out of school, working full time, but still living at home, I tossed a lot of my money around on sports jerseys. That said, I always had a problem with the fact that jerseys pretty much cost the same despite the amount of ‘glitz’ if you will, that they had. For example, why does a Yankees jersey, white with a navy blue NY on the chest, cost the same (or more) than say a Brewers jersey, with a huge 3 color BREWERS across the front, and sleeve patch? Granted, some of these plain jane jerseys are classics, but in my opinion they shouldn’t cost the same as the more detailed ones. If you use 1/4 the fabric of everyone else, pass the savings on! I guess this didn’t bother me until the Pirates went sleeveless but their jerseys cost the same price. I lost out on 2 sleeves dammit! Additionally, in personalized jerseys…why does it cost the same for someone with a 1 digit number than a 2 digit number? This is me being picky, I realize…but hell. You should get what you pay for dammit.

Anyway, in coming up with my rankings, here are some of the factors I included:

1. As Dewey said, Home jerseys should be the team name, Road should have the city name. All, with maybe the exception of the Yankees, Tigers, Cardinals, and Red Sox should have some kind of regular sleeve patch (All Star game, anniversary, stadium, memorial, etc. patches don’t count).

STRIKE: If you do not use the full team or city name on your jersey. Why be so lazy Toronto (Jays) and Arizona (D-Backs)?

BONUS: If you have a different sleeve patch on your home and road jersey. Thank you Milwaukee (Home, Road) and San Francisco (Home, Road) . (Dodgers, Nationals, Royals, Twins, A’s all did as well in recent years, but have ‘updated’ for 08)

BONUS: If your squadrons number font is anything besides block. (See Yankees, Orioles, Braves, etc.) Teams with unique number fonts include the Blue Jays, Red Sox, Angels, Mariners (alternates only), Nationals, Phillies, Pirates, Brewers, Reds, Cubs, Astros, Padres, and Diamondbacks. Adding a shadow effect behind block numbers doesn’t count as unique. Sorry Mets.

2. I enjoy the ‘Modern throwbacks’. Teams that have 21st century designs, but are a tribute to years past. You can find these jerseys in Anaheim(yes, Anaheim), Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, San Francisco and the South Side of Chicago regularly, and in Toronto, Kansas City, and Cleveland on certain days. Those such as the Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, Cubs, et al, aren’t mentioned because they haven’t changed much over the years for them to have anything to revert back to.

3. I’m also a fan of sleeveless jerseys. Some of my favorites of all time were the old 70’s A’s jerseys (See Reggie Jackson). And of course these can be seen in Maz’s home run to end the 1960 World Series, and on Mr. Clemente in subsequent years. These used to be relatively commonplace throughout the league, but as times have changed, my beloved Pirates now stand as the only current team to go sleeveless on an everyday basis. Sleeveless alternates are visible in Minnesota, Texas, Anaheim, Colorado, and Cleveland.

4. I’ve mentioned Cleveland a couple of times, eh? They bring me to my next point…too many alternates. Are you listening Mets? The threshold for alternate jerseys should be 2. This is violated by the Mets plus this, Twins plus the aforementioned sleveless version, Indians with this addition, and Rangers with the road sleeveless as well. The group of “Alternates?, We don’t NEED no stinkin alternates!” understandably includes your Yankees, Tigers, and Cardinals.

All factors considered, here is your team by team breakdown. Scores based on a scale of 100

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

Orioles: Room for improvement. The classic cursive font has been in place for years, and works well. The sleeve patch has had an identity crisis though, from early-mid 90’s bird, to late 90’s-00’s bird, to cartoon bird, to nothing. Make up your mind Peter. The O’s lose points due to that, and Dewey’s earlier statement of the road jersey not having the city name like it should. Score: 77

Blue Jays: Jazzed up the bird and font in recent years. Not sure it’s much of an improvement though. I know a lot of Canadians are upset about the reduced emphasis of any Canadian references since they did away with the Maple Leaf…but I digress. New Road jersey unveiled this year is a step up. Home jersey loses mad points as stated above for taking the BLUE out of Blue Jays. That deduction, however, is compensated by the wise choice to bring back the powder blue alternates for weekend home games. Then again, that leaves them with 3 jerseys that have 3 different fonts. Eh, since when has Canada been known for it’s consistency… Score: 79

Yankees: Timeless Classics. Should never change. Hell, it’s worked 26 times, why should it ever change? The logo and pinstripes scream baseball. Any updates would drive the purists insane. Time will tell whether or not Hank will give a rats ass. Score: 96

Red Sox: Another Classic. Road jerseys went back to basics after a brief hiatus to the plain Boston font of the 80’s Buckner, Jim Rice, Bruce Hurst, etc. teams that looked like it belonged on a border over a 3rd grade classroom chalk board. Now the 2 fonts match. The addition of a red alternate was a good move. The sock logo on the sleeves might be a nice touch, or how bout this guy…haha. but again, to quote Dewey, if it aint broke, don’t fix it. Score: 93

Rays: Here is disagreement #1 with Dewey. I was a big fan of the 2004-07 DEVIL Rays jerseys. I agree that the ones used from the inaugural season through 03 were garbage, but the following ones, creative font, stingray sleeve patch, nice color scheme, great sleeveless alternate, were brilliant, other than the laziness in not including ‘Devil’ . Who knows what’s going on with these. I guess if you’re one of those ‘less is more’ types, then this is right up your alley. My question is…with this dropping of Devil from the name, are they stingrays like the sleeve patch suggests, or sun rays like the gleam in the font? They’ve had more success this year than their entire 10 year existence prior to this, so I guess it fits, but they look more like a high school team to me now. Score: 65

Indians: I’ve already covered them a decent amount. The font and sleeve patch are sharp, but they just have too damn many. A home, road, home alt, sleeveless alt, and throwback alt. I guess merchandising is good in Northeast Ohio…Even though there are too damn many, its still a nice look. Score: 83

Royals: Much like the team, the jerseys haven’t done a whole lot over the years. They delved into the black jersey fad a few years back, but mercifully did away with those prior to last year. They also added, then subtracted the shadow effect to the team name and numbers. Essentially, this is one of the most plain jerseys there is. Pretty much all Blue and White (or gray) with just a splash of gold. The intent was there in bringing back the powder blues for ‘08, but with the white pants, and Royal Blue font rather than the standard white, I don’t know if the execution is correct. That said, it’s on the boring side, but a nice look. Score: 79

Twins: Another overexposure culprit. I like the Killebrew days font better than I like the current one, but they do get points for reintroducing the TC logo on the hats and sleeve patches. Relatively average, basic red, white, and blue scheme. Not a whole lot else to say about these. Would earn crazy bonus points if they still had the M hat logo on the stirrups, as made famous by your boy Scott Erickson. Score: 76

White Sox: A bandwagon favorite. The olde English interlocking Sox logo is timeless, despite Bill Veeck’s other ghastly visions. The one omission from this years Sox home jerseys (thankfully) is the Comiskey Park patch. Stadium patches are acceptable for the first year of a new place, and the last year of an old one. Nothing more. Comiskey opened in 91, and the patch was there for a good 15 years after? Cmon. All in all these are some of the better jerseys in the league, and have come a LONG way since some of the ‘wave of the future’ ideas they had preceding them. Score: 87

Tigers: See Yankees and Red Sox. The road jersey was updated from this in the early 90’s to add a little bit of pop. It works. I do, however miss the briefly used Tiger prowling through the olde English D. Score: 91

Rangers: Everything is bigger in Texas, including both MLB teams apparel budget, presumably. The Rangers exceed my 2 alternates rule, and the Astros, prior to a scale back this season, were one of the top offenders. That said, the blue font with red trim is an improvement over the red with blue trim that they had for a bit in the mid 90’s. Those made them look like the illegitimate love child of the Red Sox and Angels. That might not be too far off given their performance on the field. Anyway, the current jerseys are pretty nice. They get some bonus dap for being the only team to currently incorporate their state flag into their jerseys. Score: 80

Angels: Another ‘Modern Throwback’. Dewey mentioned the ill fated “sleeveless looking” Mo Vaughn era jerseys, so anything over those would have been a huge improvement. I’m an advocate of them adding the halo back to their hats, a la the original Los Angeles Angels, but I doubt that’s coming in the near future. The new design is crisp, and works very well. If only they had a sleeve patch. They do however get a deduction based on the red on red alternates. Score: 82

A’s: Another item for my wish list: Bring back sunglasses elephant! Other than that, these remind me of Kansas City’s. Pretty average, haven’t changed in a while, shouldn’t change for a while, but they get a bonus point for a unique color scheme. Score: 76

Mariners: I loved these when they were introduced in 94. I still think they’re one of the better sets in the league. I like the navigational aspect. Do you remember their previous logo? What the hell? Hard to believe this design is already in its 14th season. I think it still is a great look. They got away from a prior overuse of teal, which is a plus. I’d like to see a rebirth of the aluminum foil hat brims though…haha. Score: 86

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

Nationals: Somewhat agree with Raph, in that these are on the lower portion of the totem pole. The big bulky letters make the jerseys seem crowded, especially the road version. The interlocking DC on the alternates is nice, and looks better when matched with a cap with the same style font. Either blockify the hats, or cursify the primary jerseys. (vocabulary points). All things considered, they’re in the ‘not much you can do with that nickname’ boat. Score: 69

Phillies: A modern throwback that has its pros and cons. I would love to see them do away with the red pinstripes and use the cream colored alternate they unveiled this year as their primary home jersey. Keep the red hats though…I’m no fan of the new blue version. While the Phils don’t sport a sleeve patch, I have a hard time deciding whether or not having the number on the sleeves is a plus or minus. Since it’s Philadelphia, I’ll give it a minus. Score: 73

Mets: Another seamstress nightmare. I bet the equipment manager loathes any call up from AAA because he then has to sit there and personalize 42 jerseys for the new guy. OK, so it’s not that bad…but really? Do you need 6 different styles? I guess they’re like Costanza…their goal is to have 162 different sets so they never have to do laundry. Maybe it’s to spite the Yankees. “since you have no alternates, we’ll have 13!!” Meh…That said, it’s a good design…just a little excessive. Score: 74

Braves: This is another design that’s about 50 years old, but still looks great. While I still see visions of this jersey sliding under Spanky LaValliere’s tag in 91 (Thanks Dewey), I must admit that it’s stylish. The red alternates are just okay, but the blue on blues they unveiled at the opening game at Nationals Park do what the Angels red on reds don’t. I definitely give them a thumbs up. Braves get a deduction strictly based on 1991 and 1992 though…Score: 85

Marlins: Not a whole lot has changed since the teams birth in 1993, but the decision to make teal an accent rather than the primary color, was a fabulous one. That said, I agree that I’m not big into fish either. The black with ‘aqua’ and silver looks very nice though. I’d say that they have an above average look. Score: 83

Pirates: Well, excuse my bias, but these are obviously some of my favorites. The sleeveless modern throwbacks updated to include the city name on the road jerseys. The font now matches on both home and road, which I prefer. They do however receive a deduction for the pointless pinstripe alternates, and aforementioned horrendous red alternates. Score: 92

Brewers: Another current favorite of mine, even before their recent success. The cursive, yet unique font, vibrant 3 color design, different sleeve patch on home and road, modern throwback alternate… The Brewers have it all, with the exception of not having the city name on the road jersey. I’m willing to overlook that though, since the sleeve patch on the roads does say Milwaukee. The MB glove logo is one of the greatest designs all time in sports, so I was happy to see that return last season. Just my opinion, but I give the beer men high marks. Score: 95

Reds: The first professional franchise has a storied history, and storied uniforms. These are no different. The homes feature the pointed C that has been around forever, and the sleeve patch has gone back to the old school happy baseball man (including Raph approved mustache) reminiscent of the old Cincinnati Red Stockings. The Cincinnati font on the roads is an improvement, and they don’t try to overdo it. The new font and numbers, and red alternate jersey increase their score a bit. Score: 90

Cubs: Well…as classic as they are, if they don’t win the series this year, they should look into wearing actual cub fur. Anything to reverse the curse, right? The homes are damn near perfect. Classic design, nice sleeve patch, streamlined number font, etc. The roads are a little boring, but that comes with the territory for the ‘classics’. The alternate blues are nice as well, though I don’t know who’s ass they’re trying to kiss with the inclusion of a National League patch. Is that just a big F U to White Sox faithful? That’d be my only guess… Score: 92

Cardinals: Everyone from Musial, to Gibson, to the Wizard, to McGwire, to Pujols has had the birds on the bat across their chest. Talk about staying power. Much like the Yanks, the Cards have had nothing but minor tweaks to the classic design since the 20’s. They did have that brief period of powder blues in the 80’s…whatever that was all about…but live and learn. This look should last another 80 years. No frills, no alternates, no sleeve logos…no worries. Score: 89

Astros: Some of the most highly debated jerseys throughout sports history. Who could forget the old Mike Scott era rainbows, or the futuristic shooting star worn by Bagwell, Biggio, and Bell in the mid 90’s? I for one, like the brick color scheme. How often does a team alter their uniform design to match their stadium? Their not quite cursive font is interesting, the ultra thin numbers are funny (admit it), and the addition of the state of Texas to the sleeve patch adds a nice touch. Bonus for reducing the amount of alternates they used prior to this season. Score: 88

Giants: Another modern throwback that works well (surprise surprise). I don’t like that their font is nearly the same as my Pirates, but who wouldn’t want to look as cool as the Buccos! Big ups for el gigantes for the primary jersey being off white, and the different sleeve patches on home and road. The shadow effect modernizes the old school look very nicely. Come to think of it…AT & T and PNC Parks both have the splashdown area past the right field stands…Giants = Pirates West? They both are playing at about the same level…Score: 85

Padres: They’ve struck out just about as many times as the White Sox had. The current ones are one of their better efforts, but that’s not saying much. The toilet bowl combo of yellow and brown in the Winfield and early Gwynn days, the not much better Orange and Brown that Benito Santiago made not so famous, then a nice period of navy blue and orange, no doubt assisting in their only world series appearance…and now this. The font is ok, the ‘beach effect’ wave addition is snappy, but I cant get over the ’sand’ colored road jerseys. If they made viable roadies, they’d get a lot more points…but hell, Sand? The bridge effect on the road font doesn’t help either. It’s a hell of a battle between them and the Rays for low man status. I’ll give the Pads a higher mark now, strictly out of pity. At least the Rays are contending… Score: 66

Diamondbacks: Well, besides being lazy and withholding IAMOND from their home and alternate jerseys, this is a halfway decent design for their locale. It’s got that southwestern desert flair, whatever that is. Maybe Phoenix is trying to give Pittsburgh a run for its money and be the second city where all the sports teams wear the same colors. Think about it, Diamondbacks, Coyotes, Cardinals….Now if they could only do something about those Suns. The maroonish with black and tan is a solid look in my opinion. Much more relative than the Purple/Green/Black Milwaukee Bucks castoffs they had prior to this season. They get a bonus for being sued by a magician and for their number font. Score: 80

Rockies: The only one of the four recent expansion teams to have the exact same home jersey now that they did on day one. The roads changed a little bit since then, but not much. I don’t see the need for the CR sleeveless alternate, and please do away with the black alternates with the black undershirts. With Arizona’s elimination of Purple, these guys are the only Purple People Eaters left in the bigs. One might wonder if that has some effect on their collapse this season…Score: 68

Dodgers: Over the last 2 seasons, less is more. The Dodgers stripped away the outlining that they had on their road jerseys over the prior years, and switched the Dodgers sleeve patch to the interlocking LA. The homes have stayed consistent since Jackie’s days in Brooklyn. Not much will, or should, be done with these in coming years. They’ll continue to be the standard in the NL West division jersey standings. Score: 89.

So there you have it…as I said, I’m more an apologist, and not nearly as angry as your lovable NatsCast contributors, so these scores may come in a bit high. Of course, this is just one mans opinion…I’m sure there are thousands out there, and most love their home town teams jerseys as much as I love the Pirates ones, so fire when ready…

Regards, The Pagemaster.

Part 2 of 2. Initially, this week was scheduled to look at the more memorable facial hair follies in baseball history. Plans changed as I was having a very large internal debate on the validity of this particular post. Is there such a thing as a “bad beard” from the players in the 1970-80s? My answer is no. Going back to the first T-BoW and the discussion of beard entitlement for a moment - the truly atrocious beards have only occurred in the days of recent past. Too many people are growing beards, and the Conservationists like myself feel they are watering down the gene pool.

What is the saying? A schmuck is a schmuck is a schmuck? How can you ascertain the originality and the uniqueness of crap? There are so many terrible beards of the same quality, the search for an All-Star lineup seems futile. Basically it would be an arbitrary decision with no factual backup or structural analysis.

So instead of giving you an entire lineup of essentially the same junk, I will pull an especially terrible decision out of the archive for your viewing pleasure.

Designated (s)Hitter: David Ortiz

There is an argument out there that because Ortiz’s beard is so finely kept, it qualifies as a good beard. I find the finely tuned trim job to be the exact reason why his beard is offensive. I have serious doubts the trim job is self sustaining, and requiring the help of others is a mortal sin. I repeat: if you have someone trim your beard or side burns, then you have forfeited your legitimacy in beardism. And to top it all off, Ortiz’s beard is atrociously styled. I am not a fan of anything about this. Nothing.

Beard Title: I Pay Someone To Shave Me Daily.

So that’s it. We are accumulating a nice little queue of potential T-BoW’s - some courtesy of our colleagues over at Rockiescast - so stay tuned for the upcoming Friday features. Next week we get back to our regularly scheduled programming, thankfully leaving this My Eyes Are Bigger Than My Stomach endeavor behind. Have a good weekend.

All right, hopefully everyone got their fill of the All Star game last night, because we are completely changing gears courtesy of the “Big Dipper”. Apparently this fan rests not in Ursa Major at (10.67 h and +55.38°) but at (38°50′3″N, 77°12′41″W). First one to use their GPS gets my disgust. Use a map, and get a free drink on me.

I like how you guys talk about beards, dip and other overlooked details that give baseball its character and color. How about an entry ranking the all-time uniforms or maybe best current uniforms (although they can’t hang vs. the old school uniforms IMO). Thanks.

Awesome topic Big Dipper, and I am glad you brought this up. Many of those within earshot are well educated in my opinion of the current Nationals design (crap). My personal favorite is the cursive style font, with an slight upward tilt, very similar to the Pittsburgh road grays from 1990 (Note: the city name was returned to the jersey after a 36 year hiatus, while the block Pirates remained on the home jersey). If you look at the history of Washington baseball, you will find the Senators sporting a scripted style for their second go-round in the District. If Teddy Ballgame looks good in it, then it is good for me.

Moving on to the idea of an MLB-wide uniform discussion creates logistical problems in comparisons. Those preferring the old tyme baseball genre will undoubtedly choose the flannels from yesteryear. In contrast, the younger generations are so accustomed to the modern cluttered jerseys that anything other than vibrant colors are too passive. Dewey gets to answer the question, well, because he has more jerseys than I do. Scientific reasoning.

(Make sure to check the links for The Raph’s personal collection of stupendous):

Dewey’s Reaction:

I guess I’m of the old school because after going through all the jerseys I found, it’s the traditional ones that stand out the most. The clean white with bold letters that – for the most part – haven’t changed since the turn of the century. I broke it down to a top 10 of sorts, and it’s the usual suspects. That’s right – The Red Sox, Yankees, Dodgers, Giants, Cubs, Tigers, Braves, Cardinals, White Sox and old Pirates. Classic teams that have been around for a while. And all these hats are great as well. Not a dud in the group. There’s something to be said for a team that has the same color scheme and same jersey that – again, for the most part – is the same years on end. When you can have a true alumni system where generations come back and can see their jersey on new blood its always a good thing. I’m not saying that any change is bad, but keep it in the same ballpark. It’s why certain teams have good fan bases and pride if you ask me.

Some honorable mentions go to the old Phillies (’lil maroon in the mix with that classic P and baseball combo) and the under appreciated Royals. The O’s are ok too (you happy B-More?) but until you have the city going across your chest on the road jersey, you remain an honorable mention. See you in 2010 or whenever.

The worst jerseys aren’t hard to name. It’d be easy to list the ones you all know and love to hate. The 70’s Astros and Padres. The 70’s – Ok, pretty much any jersey worn in the 70’s. But what about the newer one’s that do too much? Like the original Devil Rays with the rainbow theme, the Blue Jays with that T and bird deal they have now (what was wrong with the ‘92 blues I ask?) and the Mo Vaughn Angels pin stripe and wings mishap. And why was it ever considered a good idea to have a too tight tee shirt with no buttons be a jersey? Never again baseball, never again. This is not Arena football. Ugh.

The best hats in the league pretty much follow that same list. Anything with letters of the city is great. Interlocking or Olde English is better. The one exception to the city rule would be the Twins, who brought back – thank God – the old TC hat a few years ago. I also have love for the Mets old orange and blue hats and I hate the new take with the black. It’s like a bad sequel. Same characters but with a lack of the reasons you fell in love with it in the first place. Is it possible for a hat to have a bad plot? Shut it, let’s pretend.

Some others that I appreciate that haven’t been mentioned above are be the A’s and Reds.

The worst hats are similar to the list of worst jerseys. I never understood why teams have to change what works so often. The Padres had something good with the blue hats with the orange and white SD. Now they are silver and, what is that tope? Really… tope??? Huh? I get the Marlins hat. I truly do. I just don’t like it. It’s a fish. I don’t even like to eat fish, why would I like it on my hat. And I appreciate the Rays moving to a much better TB hat, rather than that horrible thing they used to have with the TB and a stingray… why?

Can you guess what’s missing from this entire discussion though? What team didn’t get mentioned anywhere? The Nationals. It’s not that I don’t like the script W. It’s not bad. I even have the hat. I also have the DC hat, which I almost like better (see interlocking letters above). It’s just that it doesn’t stand out to me as a great combo yet. No flavor to the jersey letters at all except the W. Just block blah. Maybe it will grow on me. I don’t know. The fact that the W is from the Senators is a plus, it ties the new and old. And I do think if the jersey font was a similar script it would enhance the whole jersey. Like Raph says, “it just doesn’t match.”

A baseball jersey is not rocket science, but so often it can be over thought. And it is one of the few things where if it looks old it’s probably better. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it – unless you’re the Diamondbacks, just stop everything and get back to me when you don’t look like a garbage. This isn’t the California Penal League.

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So thanks Big Dipper. This post was long, courtesy of Dewey, and I hope we contributed to your lack of production at work. Keep sending in those emails, and we might get to it next Wednesday.

I have always loved Ty Cobb the baseball player. Say what you will about his temper and off the field actions, but damn what a player. He was like part Pete Rose, part Terrell Owens, and completely ruthless on the base paths. Like a good Ron Artest if you will. I rewatched the movie Cobb the other day. What a great flick. Cheers to Tommy Lee Jones and Robert Wuhl. Completely under appreciated I think. But while watching it I couldn’t help but think this guy would be a terror in today’s game, that is of course if he could keep from getting suspended. You can only wonder.

I tell that story to tell this one… we’ll revisit Cobb later.

So I’m sitting here trying to figure out a good post commentary on the first half of the season and all I can think of is, “Damn, how in God’s name are the Nationals this bad?”

Sitting in the wind tunnel atop section 407 on Sunday was depressing. I honestly have never been to a ballgame where I was just waiting for the inevitable. The Astros took an early lead and from then on, we were pretty much just waiting for the ninth to see if the team still had a pulse. Turned out they do not. The Nationals are now barely the same team they once were. Besides Guzman and Kearns, there wasn’t anyone else from the regular starting lineup in the right place. Dukes, Milledge, Zimmerman, Lopez, Flores and Johnson were all gone from the game. I think it really was telling when Paul “Walnuts” Lo Duca – who was playing first by the way – got hit by a pitch and my first thought wasn’t if he was ok, it was more like, eh, maybe we will get to see some AAA guy up for a cup of coffee. And I’ve come around, even if just enough to admit it, to Lo Duca but that is a sad and true reaction folks. By the end of the day, we kept quoting Major League to keep our eyes open and laughing because a lot of it held true for the Nats.

(Harry Doyle: One hit? That’s all we got, one God Damn hit?
Monty: You can’t say God damn on the air.
Doyle: Eh that’s ok, nobody’s listening anyway)

Maybe what the Nats need is a Cobb like player. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here talent wise, but think about it. How great would it be to have that universally feared and respected player on your team? A guy who could talk the talk and walk the walk. So often players yell, scream and do nothing to justify it. If we had a villain of Cobb stature, it would not only give us a chance to win more games but it would provide the fans someone to identify with. Now I’ve been thinking about who could be our Cobb and the choice is clear. Elijah Dukes. He’s already known for his temper off the field, he has all the talent in the world, we know he likes to show off (see homerun chest thump) and he’s got that name you need with a villain. It’s kinda sinful and holy at the same time. The only problem is that he is on the mend right now. So short of renting Milton Bradley we will have to wait.

Unless Paulie Walnuts wants the gig, he did say he was willing to do anything for the team, right?

Part 1 of 2. In honor of the upcoming All Star travesty Extravaganza, I have devised a supreme collection of men that subscribe to the Ancient Greek saying “There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless — boys and women — and I am neither one.”

There is a long standing tradition of growing and then prohibiting facial hair throughout the history of baseball. For those interested in reading a nice little historical perspective, click here. In addition, for those not attuned with beards, see this wonderfully delicious site.

Lets get to the meat, The All-Time All-Star Beards of the Week:

Starting Pitcher: Rick Sutcliffe

Not the best, and certainly not the worst of beards. But it is full, and it is red. Red is a rarity in facial hair, and when those that are cursed with the demon color choose to grow a full beard, the result is automatic hall of fame. And the answer to the the question, Rick, is that we like you. But we like your beard better.

Beard Title: Frederick I Barbarossa, Holy Roman Emperor.

Catcher: Mike Piazza

Piazza single-handedly took the mustache, its principles, and its following and threw them under the bus. It is neither a Handlebar (see Fingers, Rollie) or a Fu Manchu. Piazza’s delicately trimmed flavor savor is a hybrid style. The Handlebar is intended to extend from ones face, creating the allusion of the motorcycle steering mechanism. More importantly, along with the Fu Manchu, the hair is to be attached to the upper lip ONLY. Just trimming your facial hair in the looks of a mustache, does not a mustache make. Piazza made the “new” Fu Manchu a popular choice, taking away the necessary time dedicated to growing it properly.

Beard Title: The Faux Fu-Fu Manchu.

First Basemen: John Kruk

What, are you going to argue with me? Are you looking at this picture? Need more? He has a book titled “I Ain’t An Athlete Lady”, talks openly about drinking massive quantities of beer, he grew up 7 miles from me, and when he plays golf he only takes a wood, a 7-iron, and a wedge. And to top it all off, the combo hair/beard makes him resemble the most extreme badass biker ever.

Beard Title: The Harley Davidson.

Second Basemen: Joe Morgan

I remember this former two-time, two-time, MVP for his keen style of beardism. Proving to be a true man of the times, Morgan would alter his format constantly. As you can see, the Mutton Chops were present for at least one summer. Have you tried to grow serious sideburns? It does not require too much growth ability, but it does require a steady hand. A few bad strokes and one can spend the entire evening trying to even them out. One stroke leads to the next, which induces anxiety, and the next thing you know you don’t have any eyebrows. Trust me.

Beard Title: Ambrose Sans the Stache.

Shortstop: Rafael Belliard

If you haven’t listened to podcast #5, then stop reading right now. Listen to it, wait for the Belliard conversation, then come back. Good? Belliard hit two homeruns. Ever. I was in attendance at Shea Stadium in NY for the second. It was 1997, not 1994 (my bad). It was amazing. He hit it in the upper deck! He also has a mustache. His middle name is Leonidas. His cousin is Ronnie. Case closed.

Beard Title: The Tomahawk Buzzcut. Look it up.

Third Basemen: Casey Blake

The only current player to make the squad, Blake deserves all the accolades he can get. A mediocre player in terms of stats, but an all star in terms of beard growth. Good color, good trim, solid visuals. At times he tries to change up the style, but at his best, the beard is Full. Kids, take notice. If you want to grow a beard, a Casey Blake poster should be on your wall.

Beard Title: The Intimidator.

Outfield: Reggie Jackson

Part of the Regrowth in the 1970s, Jackson showed up to spring training with a mustache in 1972. He not only refused to shave it, per team rules, but also promised a full beard. No man wore a mustache since 1914. 1914! Everything about this guy was over the top, including his homeruns, his homerun celebrations, his homerun staredowns, and his guns. It is always impressive when a career .260 hitter gets elected to the Hall of Fame. There has to be a legitimate reason for this, and the reason is his ushering in of the bearded man in Major League Baseball.

Beard Title: The Jackie Robinson

Outfield: Dave Henderson

Hendu, another masher in the OF, followed in the footsteps of Joe Morgan. He was always changing his style. The most memorable, to my mind, is this Horseshoe from his A’s tenure. I don’t really have too much to say about the guy. He was a beast, played for a bunch of winning teams, and you could parallel park in his mouth. Always smiling. And he has one of the more memorable homerun reactions of all time. If Michael Strahan would grow a Hendu style you could not tell the two apart.

Beard Title: A Hop, Skip, and a Gap

Outfield: Robin Yount

Even though Yount played most of his career as SS, he isn’t knocking Belliard out of the starting lineup. I don’t care if he had the most hits of any player during the 1980’s, won two MVP awards, and a Gold Glove. The OF spot is deserved though, as he won the 1989 MVP and collected his 3,000 hit from the 8. Yount brought the Horseshoe mustache into the mainstream and was the prototype for future generations. The importance factor is high, and he gets selected to the team for his contributions to society.

Beard Title: Not a Fu Manchu, but a Horseshoe.

Left Handed Specialist: Al Hrabosky

The Mad Hungarian created his own style, channeling a real (FINALLY!) Fu Manchu. No imposter’s here. In 1977, Hrabosky had to cut his hair and shave the mustache due to new team rules. He subsequently left the team at the end of the year and continued to pitch into the 80s for a few other clubs. This is what we need in society, a man with principles. Would you quit your job if someone told you to shave? Think about that. Solidarity, dude!

Beard Title: Self Explanatory - The Mad Hungarian

Set Up Man: Rollie Fingers

Well now we are getting into the creme de la creme. Fingers originally grew the Handlebar to get a $300 bonus from Athletics owner Charles O. Finley (Note it was the same year Jackson showed up with the Jackie, 1972). Revolutionary, exquisite, and memorable. This mustache takes serious dedication. Would you put wax on your face? Would you spend over a year growing out your upper lip so you could put wax on it? For more information on Mustaches, check out the American Mustache Institute.

Beard Title: Snidely Whiplash

Closer: Bruce Sutter

NOW THIS IS A BEARD. Sutter is probably the most well known baseball beard of the modern era. His plaque at the Hall is bearded, he was one of the first to use the Splitter effectively, and he also was the first player to be elected to the Hall without ever starting a game. I would argue that his career never took off until he was in St. Louis, out from the tentacles of the no beard policy in Chicago. Although his stats are similar and he won a Cy Young in 1979 - he was not a premier closer until the growth of the Beard. Do yourself a favor and spend 20 minutes looking up pictures. When asked if he knew he was the first player to sport a full beard on the plaques in Cooperstown, Sutter replied “I didn’t know that. But there’s no real significance other than I don’t like to shave.”

Beard Title: I Don’t Give a Crap, I’m Not Shaving.

I hope you enjoyed our All-Time All-Star Beards of the Week, because it took over 5 hours to compile. So forgive us if some of the commentary isn’t up to standards. If you feel we have missed anyone, or would like to share your nominations, please email or leave comments. Next week, our All-Time All-Star Terrible Beards of the Week.

In response to our podcast double o ocho, we received an email from Paul C. up in Belcamp, MD. He is both informative and incredulous:

Two comments, first, the meniscus in the knee is the cartilage the sits basically on top of your tibia that cushions the impact from your femur (thing bone) and tibia (larger of the lower leg bones) rubbing. Without meniscus you basically have bone on bone contact.

Well now I know, and knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!

For seconds, what are your feelings about including a player from each team? I think that is a stupid rule in my opinion, the rule points to the fact MLB acknowledges the fact the all-star game is not for the best players in each league. Thoughts?

Personally I think that is the best rule in all of MLB, gameplay included. The game is a representation of the best players in the league, sure. But it also a representation of the league itself. How could you eliminate entire sections of the country by telling the fan base their team stinks and they have no good players? Without that rule, it would be a Yankees/Red Sox All Star game, and most sane people do not want to see that. We see it everyday on television. Contrary to standard beliefs, statistics in baseball is driven more by the team than by the individual. Does the number 9 hitter on a great team have the same opportunities for accumulating stats than the 9 hitter on a bad team? Case in point, my favorite former Nat Ryan Church. He was having an all star caliber season until he slid incorrectly trying to break up a double play. Would he hit like that, statistically, in Washington? Doubtful.

Now that I am thinking about it, I think only one player from each team should make the squad. It would eliminate all this phony garbage of popular votes. 14 in the AL, 16 in the NL. Deal with it. Don’t like the numbers? Alter the league structures. Hmm, lets see, how about leagues with equal teams in it? I know it is a crazy idea. And if they want the game to mean something, then play it like a game. And stop using 6 freakin’ closers to round out a pitching staff. Let the pitchers pitch in the game, like it was a real game. How many players get used during a regular game anyways? I say no more than 14.

One per team. That’s it. That is my stance from here on out. Take away the supply and it increases the demand. Especially when those losers in big markets get nominated because every kid under the age of 15 votes 11,372 times. You do know the players get bonuses for appearances right? Imagine if they actually had to EARN that appearance. Another novel idea, getting what is deserved. Oh, and one more thing, you can’t have the game be fun and serious at the same time. It never works. You play a pickup sport with that attitude, someone gets hurt. You watch a sporting event with that attitude, everyone loses. Quality sucks. Decrease the supply.

Raphonomics.

FYI: Hart over Burrell?? Go to MLB.com and look at batting stats for NL, he’s top 5 in HR, BB and OBS, and if you look at everyone above and below him, they all made the all-star game except him. And dont say its the park, if you havent watched him, he hits bombs!!!!

Does he hit bombs in the bottom of the 8th off of mop-up relievers when the score is 10-3? How is it possible to have 54 RBIs on 22 HRs? For the record, I wouldn’t vote for Hart either. That was Dewey. I would say Carlos Lee, personally.

So thanks for the email Paul and keep tuning in. I know its hard being a Phillies fan. Maybe this year they will live up to the expectations. Or at the very worst, have another MVP. That would be a record. Three different MVPs from the same team for three years in a row. It is always good to have records.

CORRECTION: “As for 3 different MVPs from one team 3 straight years, that has happened 3 other times,’38,’39,’40(Reds); ‘41,’42,’43(Stankies), and ‘61,’62,’63(Stankies). Need a stat man???” - Paul C.

I did not say the record would be in sole possession of the Phillies, just that it is record. But thanks for the information. Yes, we do need a stat man. Interested?

Just when we thought the Nats MIGHT be getting on some sort of track (I would say back on track but that would assume that they were on track to begin with) yet another “best player on the team” goes down with an injury. Elijah Dukes is the Nats third No. 3 hitter to suffer the injury bug this season, joining the prestigious ranks of Ryan Zimmerman and Lastings Milledge. This just goes to show that the whole season is a wash. Pack it up and go home. I can no longer get mad at the kids partying at the Red Loft instead of watching the game. Hell, I might join you. I was just getting excited about the Duke too. I had all these great homerun calls using John Wayne references and channeling the spirits of the Dukes from Trading Places – “Looking good Elijah… feeling good Lastings!” – ugh, what a waste of my pointless popular culture knowledge.

There is a positive way to look at this however. We now get to see the future of the team and how good they may be. That is something for Nats fans to be excited about. Bring up the boys from AAA and AA… hell even A, to see what they can do. It’s not like they’d be taking anyone’s roster spot.

So who will be the next No.3 hitter? It was Austin Kearns the other day after he had a cup of coffee down in AA over the weekend. But I’m hoping that this may be the break… and he has had many… that Dmitri Young needs to shine. There is no one to take first from him and an open lineup to pick his spot. We will address this next show I’m sure.

So here’s to the Hook - Go get ‘em Meat.

As much as I wanted to discuss Jason Giambi’s “Magnum P.I.”, I decided against it. Too many people have been on the mustache ride - its crowded. If he was not producing, would it be so amusing? No, it would be a talisman of evil. And Giambi would be an outcast. Instead of children gluing fake follicles to their upper lip, mothers would be carrying oversized disposable razors, pointing them to the heavens and crying for justice. When I see morning highlights discussing someone’s Format of choice, I choose to go in the other direction.

While I was scouring the interwebs looking for greatness, I came across the 1993 Expansion Team series in Colorado. The Rockies won with walk-off, prompting the television crews to interview this wild specimen.

To stop wasting time, here is our Terrible Beard of the Week!!! (drum roll):

Ryan Spilborghs, Outfield, Colorado Rockies. Look at this mess.

How can you get any respect in your profession if you show up to work with this on your face? It is worse that coming dressed as a clown. With the clown you get the uniform face coloring and some pretty cool looking shoes. I bet this guy sits in the dugout isolated from his teammates, shunned from the communal showers, and has to take public transit to the team hotel.

Ok, lets break down the beard. Structurally speaking, the beard is very robust. You can’t even see the skin in some sections. It is splotchy, though. I mean, look at the right side of the face. How can hair grow in so thick on one side, and not on the other? This baffles my mind.

Is there a style? I am giving high marks for the pure white coloration. How does that happen? Those marks are taken away, however, because of the mutant factor. He is a white version of the Beast. And you cannot reward a mutant for having a genetically manipulated advantage of the rest of the normal people.

As for the format, The Orangutan gets major points. It takes stones to choose to look like our brethren in the Hominidae Family. In this era of finely trimmed beards, often times by stylists and not the grower himself, it is refreshing to see someone give a walking history lesson. The full forehead and bridge-of-nose coverage is phenomenal.

Adding up the tally, Mr. Spilborghs receives a C. The high grade in Random helps to offshoot the negatives, and we are left with a decidedly average beard. Unfortunately, there is nothing average about this. But you cannot argue with the math. It looks like the beard gods took a left to right sweeping motion with his face, pulling upwards towards the right temple. A once-in-a-lifetime brush stroke.

Grade: C Normal

Beard Title: Peter Venkman Post Stay Puff Marshmallow Man Destruction.

Wednesday is Fan Email day, and today we are going with a very well crafted (although waaaay to serious for my tastes) email from Cavalier in Gaithersburg, MD:

I’ve heard a lot of fans slam Jim Bowden.

There’s even several websites/blogs/online petitions dedicated to facilitating his removal as GM. They cite the Wily Mo Pena/Felipe Lopez/Austin Kearns trade; his failure to sign a starting pitcher in free agency despite the fact that mediocre starters were commanding in the $5-7 million range; the Paul LoDuca signing; and trades that other teams made to jettison superstars that the Nats don’t have in favor of prospects and/or 30 year old relief pitchers (Tejada and Bedard trades for the O’s–Other than Soriano, who was in the last year of his deal and wouldn’t have commanded nearly what Miggy, with two years left on his deal, did in trade, the Nats have no players like that.).

However, there is absolutely no love for the litany of success Bowden has had. True, the Reds trade hasn’t worked out quite like the Nats would have hoped, but show me a GM in baseball who wouldn’t have made it if it was on the table. He took the team from dead last in minor league ranking to top 10 in one year. He was responsible for drafting Zimmerman and the rest of the ‘06 and ‘07 draft classes, most of whom he signed. I know the ‘08 draft is up in the air in terms of signability, but I would guess that the Nats will sign most of their picks again this year. The Fire Jim Bowden Blog even complained that Bowden told Balester that he actually had to win some games at the Minor League level to show that he had the heart to pitch in the pros. I’m not a smart man, but I thought that the purpose of playing the game was to win. If your nasty 96 mph fastball keeps getting ripped over the fence, it doesn’t so much matter how fast it is or how much it moves, does it?

Is Bowden getting a raw deal from some extremely vociferous fans, or is he really as awful as the FireJimBowden-ites would have us think?

Dewey’s Reaction:

I don’t think Bowden is as bad as he might be perceived, but the problem is that he didn’t exactly have super success in Cincinnati, and he has yet to do anything earth shattering (in terms of success - Soriano (aside)) here. This is the way this town is unfortunately. Raph and I agree that most D.C. fans are blinded by success and are always looking for the reason — that isn’t talent or on the field play related — for why their team is faltering. The ‘Skins are a perfect example of this because year after year they fail to play up to the glory days of Joe Gibbs in the 1980s — And this is 2008. Even Gibbs (though justifiably at times) got murdered by fans in his second go around.

But if you look at what Bowden has done in his time here, you can’t really get too mad. As a fan you want your GM to go out and make a big deal like Soriano and Milledge and Dukes. You want to hear that the farm system is one of the best in the bigs and has faced a complete turnaround. The downside is that your team will lose players that may have had success. You have to spend money to make money, no? These are all things that Bowden has done.

It’s not that I’m touting the roaring success of Bowden, but I understand his failures. Plus I think in a few years we will be talking about the Dukes and Milledge trade as the turnaround moment of the franchise… as long as our young pitching plays out. But the real guy who goes unmentioned is Stan Kasten. Look what he did in Atlanta and look what he has done here. It’s almost a mirror image. This could be Worst-to-First: Part Two. Maybe Bowden is a puppet, but so what. It’s only a matter of time before Dan Snyder declares he is a lifetime Nats fan, buys the team, and runs it into the ground anyways. Paging Teddy Leonsis……

The Raph’s Reaction:

I do not want to stray too far off topic, but this kind of slamming of authority has more to do with the current media culture in general, and the current regional culture in specific. The all-inclusive media tsunami needs NEW information every day - even every hour in some markets. There is just not that much worth writing/blogging/announcing/postulating about in the day-to-day operations of a baseball team. I am sure some beg to differ, so feel free. I would also be willing to bet that those that differ are in either culture outlined above without even knowing it. The need for more information dilutes the importance/significance of the quality news item. And with it, comes fluff.

The win first crowd, not in first place, will always go after the person in charge. He isn’t doing enough to win, isn’t making good deals, overvaluing the worthless and undervaluing the amazing, his personal style sucks, and so forth. So as fans, we are treated to speculation and endless projections on the future of the team. Setting the entire structure up for failure, columns collapse piece by piece under the weight of the expectations set forth to fulfill an entirely unnecessary news statement. It is a cycle.

Bowden has done his job, with the tools at his disposal (minimal at best), and the outcome will not be realized until he is long gone. Some trades work, some do not. But the venom towards the GM has more to do, in my opinion, with extracurricular activities in society, and not in production. Find me a GM that is perfect. And find me the people who think they can do the job better - where are they in their company? Unless they are executives, they have no credence on the issue of judging the performance of someone entrusted with making large scale, high money decisions - decisions that revolve around the talent of young men and their ability to play a game. I am not even going to discuss the nay-sayers ability to play the game itself - more often than not, they cannot. Hiss and spit if you must, but there is no right answer, let alone an easy answer.

In conclusion, our collective knowledge speaks to an “I don’t know” and a pat on the back. Good job, sport. Go get ‘em, Tiger. Wait, what just happened? No improvement? Good riddance, chump. And then then the next guy, and the cycle starts again. New catch phrase, different persona non grata, different year, same argument - the tired argument.

———————————–

So thanks, Cavalier for the questions and keep them coming. Remember, every Wednesday is Fan Email Day. We are toying with the idea of a potential “award” for the email that gets chosen. Any ideas from the fan base? Stay tuned for a new podcast.

I think Raph hit yesterday on the head pretty well, but I did have a couple observations to add.

Despite the fact that this was the end of a series between losing teams (I know Baltimore, at 41-39 you’re not a losing team. But you did just drop two of three to the Nats… quiet time) it was a great series for the area. The crowds were lively and packed. The tailgates were the same. Mixed company exchanged words, and the area was delighted to a fantastic (depending who you were cheering for) finish.

(Side note, how bout those pesky United and their legions of fans, huh? You could hear RFK two miles away it was so loud. THAT is what a D.C. crowd should be like)

Belly’s walk-off in the 12^th was amazing and exciting. It made you want to cheer for D.C. Like on opening day when Zimm crushed that Bot. 9 pitch to the seats, you felt like D.C. really had a team and not just a stop on the MLB circuit.

The fact that it was against Baltimore was gravy.

I’m starting to get a little sick with the Bmore fans though. This happened a few years ago when they got off to that great start, got a few wins and starting talking trash for no reason what-so-ever. It’s like that little guy we all know who stays quiet all day but when he hits happy hour and gets a little tuned up think he can dance, then likes to let people know about it.

My favorite heckle is that D.C. doesn’t deserve a real team. Neither does Miami, but they don’t seem to be going anywhere. D.C. put up with Bmore fans crying about the loss of their beloved Colts before the Ravens came in to save the day. Now the Ravens fans are some of the most obnoxious ones around. (Purple cammo pants? That’s what you chose to wear? Really Mr. 40 Something? Really?) Now that the Nats are here, Bal-mor-ians are crying that Washington, a city that had almost three times as long drought without a team, doesn’t deserve one. Look at the history of baseball. A guy named W. Johnson might beg to differ.

Well I thank Belliard for shutting some of those people up with that dinger last night. ‘Cause even if the Nationals are basically God-awful, they still managed to take two of three from the O’s and are four of their last five.

But please Ronnie, no more posing for cameras as if you just were made king of Washington. That move, however so ridiculous at times, is reserved for Junior Griffey and the long haired fool in Beantown.

Unless you want to start a Belly being Belly campaign, that is. Then I’m all in.